Stuology

Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Given that The Lord of the Rings is coming out in theatres this week, and
given your persecuitive Catholic upbringing, and given your affinity with
ancient modem nomenclature, you will attempt to make an incredibly
elaborate pun involving the phrase “Baud Hobbit,” and some people will
attempt to kill you therefore. The one who laughs cheerios through his or
her nose is you life mate. Jump on that!

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
See Aries: you probably have a problem with the word “persecuitive” in
that paragraph, and more of a problem with the truth that is you know
what was meant even though it’s not a real word. You also have a problem
with the odd syntax of this paragraph, the rough use of the word
“syntax,” and the obvious motivation by the writer to include something
otherwise unnecessary in this sentence just so the list would have three
things in it. Whatever!

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
The use of self-reference in Taurus today fascinates you, but not as much
as the fact that a Taurus is a bull and a Torus is a doughnut. Geminis
often see the dual nature of things, and your life mate needs to
understand this when you begin describing chocolate covered cattle with
sprinkles while in bed.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You may have already read Gemini, you sneaky little Cancer you. Did you
catch the ambiguity? About the cow in the bed? It is important that this
week you are neither ambiguous nor amorous about/with cattle. Your
all-midget volleyball team will not take it as a good excuse that you
missed practice due to injuries incurred involving a latex replica of
Mrs. O’Leary’s cow and bed sheets depicting the Chicago skyline.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This is a good week to supplement everyone’s life with little bits of
Leonide brilliance. For example: if you know any Cancer’s (be carefulyou
know more than you think!) approach them about the cow-Chicago thing and
sing Door’s songs until they get the fire reference and either beat or
embrace you. In this way, everyone will be a Leo for a week, which makes
for nice pate if anyone wants pate. Pate, anyone?

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The whole Virgo-virgin-pure-innocent-lamb-sacrifice thing will really be
most manifest this week in that way in which an opposite is often the
best way to spotlight an aspect of being. And what is the opposite of the
Lamb? The lion. So see Leo, be not the sacrificed but the sacrificer, and
if you come to know yourself better than you ever have as a result, be
sure to document your experiences as sell them to a tasteful adult web
site.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Hey smarty pants, you probably read everything up to here, and totally
knew what was coming in Virgo when I was ranting about the “lamb,”
didn’t you? You knew I was going for the Leo reference, didn’t you? But
did you think I would use your knowing this as the means by which to do
what you knew I was going to do in your horoscope for the week? Aha! I
may not have fooled you, but I got you distracted enough to undress you
with my eyes.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Tell me this, Scorpiowas it that lustiness was building up from horoscope
to horoscope, because you are so lusty and I was just working my way up
to what is your deserved place as the utmost of the lusty? Did I do what
I did to poor Libra in anticipation and to practice what I was going to
do to you? Can the other signs possible even ever engage in lusty
activities without there being some sort of Scorpio involved? Can you
show me how you do that thing with your hands again?

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
See Scorpio. Wrestle this back to something goofy and fun. Or just
wrestle. You will wrestle with things this week, Sagi (can I call you
Sagi?) like the self-awareness trap and how it keeps you unhappy and in
vogue instead of tacky and slap-happy. I am only making a tiny K-Mart
reference here.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns are famous the world over for their penchant to ask people to
pay attention for a change when they know good and well that people were
paying attention, they just weren’t understanding. Or at least
Capricorns think so. For example, when dealing with Sagittarius this
week, you’ll give Sag the benefit of the doubt, assume Sag is NOT too
stupid to have not gotten it by now, and must have just not been paying
attention. That’s great. But be aware you WILL be talking about the best
color of pantyhose to put in a lion, which is NOT an easy topic to
follow.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Hi there. I miss you. Capricorn misses you. But unlike myself, Capricorn
plans on doing something about it, so beware, whereas I am content to
make a sculpture of you out of mashed potatoes and to eat it very slowly
and think about Tetris, which is just weird enough to have no meaning
whatsoever.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
As the “mobius strip” sign, you have the unenviable role of being a
kind of glue-stick for the other signs. You have to pay attention to not
only your own desires this week for dry, salty snacks and loads and loads
of wet, girlish beverages, but also to what Aquarius thinks the hell she
is doing and the way Aries is dealing with this whole “I exist, I want
to eat bologna, what does that say about God, etc.” thing. But know
what? You’re capable, unlike the rest of us, of being thrown in the fire
and to come out the same as when you went inand not just because you are
naturally crispy!

More of an explanation on Stu Day^TM. You see, it is my opinion that Stu Day^TM should be a happy-fun day. It was neither happy nor fun.

Today, was better, but still not a lot of happy or fun until I discovered the monkey-con in the new version of Trillian.
So, if you can find me on any of chat accounts, I’ll send you a monkey!!

So, here is your typical Wednesday feature:
Weekly
Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Be very careful when communicating your desires. This is the gift-giving
season, and if you ask for the new Robert Greene book, you may receive
the 48 Laws of Power by mistake, instead of The Art of
Seduction, though power IS seductive, but not so conducive to getting
into that frilly French maid costume.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Emancipate your lust by loaning it to a meek office worker at the annual company
holiday party. Make sure to get at least half the proceeds from any
photocopier hijinx that occur.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Never shop at Toys R Us with a girl who is drunk.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Hello, suave individual. And how are things in smoothville? How’s the slickness
going? You’re all about oiling the social machinery, aren’t you? Well,
watch out for some sand heading your way. Watch out for how quickly you
cotton to its seductive grittiness. I guess that’s the definition of
“cool,” knowing how to turn lemons into lemonade, or in your case,
beaches into boudoirs.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Aggressively pursue anything in tight jeans, for the race will cause this person to
lose weight, and the jeans will not be so tight (making them easier to remove, yahoo!).

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
So you’re on a TV show, and that’s all good, and yeah, you play a lawyer in
the military, whee, what fun. But that won’t be quite as fulfilling as
seeking out a sick little girl in the Pacific Northwest and feeding her
Matzo Ball soup. Trust me. Also, send me your costar’s phone number.
Rrrwowrr.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You know what I like about you? That you like how much I like you. In fact,
I’m starting to feel sort of slippery. How does that make you feel?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
The energy that you have been storing in anticipation of seducing someone
with beautiful skin will be accessed prematurely, resulting in your
getting a hell of a lot of painting done. Surprise: your lover will have
a fresh-paint fetish.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Given that you were born during the holiday season, you are a kind of walking
menorah, a sort of talking Christmas tree. Let people give you gifts.
Don’t sleep with anyone who doesn’t know the difference between Syrah and
Sheraz.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If you were any smarter, your head would start to resemble one of those
gadgets scientist talk about, a Sierpinski gasket, or something. If you
know what that is, actually, then it’s already too late.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s not seduction if you did it by accident. So quit feeling so guilty. Nor
did the person you woke up with seduce you, either. Let’s face it,
neither of you knew what the hell you were doing, so no one will ever be
able to explain the 47 foam replicas of Phil Collins’ head scattered
about your room. But you loved it, didn’t you?

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Alrighty, then. Your life will be ruled by metaphors. Everything that happens will
have a different meaning from the literal. Even metaphors will mean
something else. Like this one. Oh, I almost forgot– self reference will
abound. Also, you’ll eat a lot of Cheetos, but that won’t meaning
anything at all.

Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You will be delighted to discover, while writing a Thelma & Louise style
version of a Lewis & Clark movie, that Sacajawea should be played by Brad
Pitt.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Your mission this week should be to position yourself as a loyal,
faithful, fetching best friend. Expect big bones as a result of this
dog-style missionary position.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Neither black with white stripes nor white with black stripes you, but
merely a zebra, and very bad at it.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Ironically, they will use a magic spell to determine if you are guilty of
witchcraft. Newt ‘em.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
As the moon leaves Pisces, your water nature will demand Gin, lots of
Gin, you need Gin, Gin, Gin, then do it all again, let’s hear it for
Gin, gimme a G, gimme an I, etc.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Go rent a movie from the video store, sit back, relax, pour some popcorn
into your shorts, and reflect on how watching Uma Thurman cavort with
popcorn in your shorts really does nothing whatsoever to either help or
harm the world.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Thrill to the way your mind can do Stephen-Hawking style math in the time
it takes to wake up and swat your arm at the snooze button, reorganizing
your entire day around the additional four minutes of sleep.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
I see a crane in your future, but neither Stephen, industrial, or avian,
which sort of has me freaked out so I don’t really want to talk about it.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Nomenclature is all about context, so this week, try to find a way to
convince your significant other that “glue”is a useful term for the
way you feel when you wake up and want to roll out of bed but can’t
because of last night’s activities.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If I had a dollar for every time you Capricorns have made me wonder why
you even bother with the walk button at the crosswalk since you just dash
across when the traffic clears anyway, I’d have about $3.74.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s hard to be sarcastic when you’re in love, but give it a try. The
rewards will be boundless. Sure, love is boundless already, but greed
guides evolution, and you could probably use an extra thumb someday soon.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”Do you know who
said that? Shakespeare? The Bible? Nope– it was probably the most famous
Pisces of all time, Johnny Depp. What’s more amazing is that he is a
Pisces even though his birthday is June 9th! What amazing things are YOU
capable of this week?

Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.*

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Good news! It seems the first amendment DOES protect your right to shout
“there’s a squid in my pants” in a crowded theater, even if it causes
a life-threatening panic.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Your motto this week should be: “If it’s not in my pants, I can’t make
it dance.”

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
You are at times a puma, at times a mountain lion, at times a cougar, at
times a leopard, and still others times a sort of panther. Growl.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Being as intelligent as you normally are, you will pant with pleasure
when you can not think of the answer to the following crossword puzzle
clue: “4 across– a four letter word for the number between three and
five.”

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
See Gemini. This is a good week to become proficient at the printing
arts. Look into Pantone 3 (a kind of ocher) and eschew putting Britney’s
Spears’ face on Jenna Jamison’s body in Photoshop 4.0.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Embrace your purity this week. Embrace your unaffected regard for the
simpler things in life. Then embrace your pants by taking them off on the
bus and giving them to the driver.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your Latin studies goes well, Christine Aguilera notwithstanding. The
answer to number 4 on tomorrow’s Ovid Poetry Quiz translates as follows:
“Pants covered with barbecue sauce/ Better not show your boss/ Unless
you boss is Kate Moss.”

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
So, you’ve come to truly know the word “denuded” and hope to really
take the “pant” out of “pantomime” by playing naked charades.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are a God to men this week, and women, and some forms of cats, but
not frogs; that is, you are a kind of pantheistic misogrenouilliste.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Pantiphobia, the fear of or aversion to ghosts without the letter H, as
if Hester Prynne was not guilt of Adultery but of Heckling, and then
died, and started haunting up the place, concerns you not.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t let your struggles get to you. Persevere. Or as they say in Latin:
“It’s hard to get into tight pants, but your butt appreciates it.:

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Hi, gorgeous. I am panting at the thought of you. You know what I mean.
And if you can make a mean barbecued chicken, I’m all yours.

*I know, I’m late. I hope I didn’t mess up anyone’s mojo.

Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You are like popcorn– this week , anyway. You sit there, in the “microwave” of life, just
spinning. Then you begin to stir, then, all of a sudden, you are all over the place. Here’s
what you must deal with: the Indians brought popcorn to the first thanksgiving. Does this
legitimize your behavior? But did the Indians have microwaves?

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
This is an exciting week for you, since you are terrified of turkeys. Tomorrow will be like
your worst nightmare and revenge at the same time.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
If the signs were pies you would be pumpkin, Gemini. This week, seek out your spiritual cool
whip frosting.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You’re the only one who realizes no one will be reading this on the day it was sent out. You
are the only one who realizes that millions are missing out on necessary advice for the day
they need it most. You are the only one to whom I can’t think of anything else to say.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
The earth passed through a comet’s tail last week, making at seem if shooting stars were
coming out of your constellation. Impress relatives by doing an impression of this with mashed
potatoes.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Feelin’ a bit like the Detroit Lions this year, Virgo? No wins this year and hosting a
football game in Thanksgiving day? Well, look on the bright side– chances are you’ll score at
least ONCE on Thanksgiving.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Now, what would the Mayflower have been like if James Bond had been on it? Do you think he,
like you, attracts intrigue and evil spies bent on destroying the world? Just you stay cool,
as you usually do, when mysterious cousin Boris Hussein takes out the electric carving knife
for the turkey.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You’re about as traditional as steak tartar on Thanksgiving. Ironically, that’s what’s on
the menu for tomorrow. You will, to those around you, seem, therefore, oddly dull in
comparison.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In many ways cranberry sauce can tell your future– but only yours, Sag. Does it retain the
shape of the can it came in? Or is it all crumbly with real cranberry beats in it? Or is your
uncle using it to do his fake slit-throat trick again. This will determine your future.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You know what you have to be thankful for. But don’t, for a change. You’re not obsequious,
not by a long shot. But people are starting to talk. Put down the guitar. Give the flowers to
some homeless person. There. Now, give the best thanks you can give, by just going about
you’re #@$%^ business. Thank you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When no one shows for your big feast, it’s not that you are being “stood up” so much as it
is that you are being given the opportunity to call the food bank and spread some thanks
around to people you don’t know. Ain’t your friends the best, for giving you this gift?

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Shut up and eat.

Ah, my head is full of gunk and my voice isn’t completely back, but I’m slowly getting better. No more news other than that, so I’ll give you things that have made me laugh today:

From Michael:
You may have heard that the Canadian government has decided
to assist the USA in the war against terrorism.

They have agreed to send:
-6000 ground troops
-2 of their largest battle ships
-6 fighter jets

After the exchange rate the USA will receive:
-2 Mounties
-1 canoe
-a bunch of flying squirrels

From Jason:
Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.*

November 8th, 2001

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Your days will be filled with flowers and your nights will be filled with honey. If you’re
not a bee, this will be sort of weird.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
This is a good week for dancing, singing, laughing at peasants, denying the church access to
state resources, and fomenting infighting among the lesser nobles.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Cotton candy is not the best choice for a toupee; even though it will make you look darn
cute, this week you will look darn cute anyway.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
There is more difference between sex and death than just a heartbeat. Remember this the next
time you’re on the treadmill, feeling ashamed. You’re a winner!

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Take a break from your accelerated life for a few days. The moon is on the cusp of your surcease salon, which has nothing to do with anything– it’s just nice to take a break now and then.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Not much going on right now. Uh, don’t eat bad fish.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Defy convention this week! If your colleagues tell you to temper the heat sink at 72.5 for an eleven-candle ohm reflector, based on NEBs compliancy for the 824VXC, go ahead and make it 72.7! Be a rebel!

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
The weekly horoscope you write will be a day late because you had to get home early so you could go to the Disney On Ice show.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I really like your pants. Seriously. Those are some nice pants. Stars, shmars– if I was
your gender, I would SO wear those pants.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s all about the benjamins. If you’re a few lincolns short of jackson, bet your bottom-washington on whatever high-risk, high return investment you can find. Like crack, Or anime.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
George Michael’s videos were full of sexy female supermodels, even though he was gay. This was not meant to disguise his sexuality, he was just pitching his product to the largest audience. Take a lesson from this: use sexy female supermodels no matter what. Like in your job interview next week.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Astrology is bunk. You know that, right? You understand that, don’t you? No? Oh.

*I posted this without his permission, and I don’t plan on ever asking him for it**.

**It as in his permission