Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Given that The Lord of the Rings is coming out in theatres this week, and
given your persecuitive Catholic upbringing, and given your affinity with
ancient modem nomenclature, you will attempt to make an incredibly
elaborate pun involving the phrase “Baud Hobbit,” and some people will
attempt to kill you therefore. The one who laughs cheerios through his or
her nose is you life mate. Jump on that!

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
See Aries: you probably have a problem with the word “persecuitive” in
that paragraph, and more of a problem with the truth that is you know
what was meant even though it’s not a real word. You also have a problem
with the odd syntax of this paragraph, the rough use of the word
“syntax,” and the obvious motivation by the writer to include something
otherwise unnecessary in this sentence just so the list would have three
things in it. Whatever!

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
The use of self-reference in Taurus today fascinates you, but not as much
as the fact that a Taurus is a bull and a Torus is a doughnut. Geminis
often see the dual nature of things, and your life mate needs to
understand this when you begin describing chocolate covered cattle with
sprinkles while in bed.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You may have already read Gemini, you sneaky little Cancer you. Did you
catch the ambiguity? About the cow in the bed? It is important that this
week you are neither ambiguous nor amorous about/with cattle. Your
all-midget volleyball team will not take it as a good excuse that you
missed practice due to injuries incurred involving a latex replica of
Mrs. O’Leary’s cow and bed sheets depicting the Chicago skyline.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This is a good week to supplement everyone’s life with little bits of
Leonide brilliance. For example: if you know any Cancer’s (be carefulyou
know more than you think!) approach them about the cow-Chicago thing and
sing Door’s songs until they get the fire reference and either beat or
embrace you. In this way, everyone will be a Leo for a week, which makes
for nice pate if anyone wants pate. Pate, anyone?

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The whole Virgo-virgin-pure-innocent-lamb-sacrifice thing will really be
most manifest this week in that way in which an opposite is often the
best way to spotlight an aspect of being. And what is the opposite of the
Lamb? The lion. So see Leo, be not the sacrificed but the sacrificer, and
if you come to know yourself better than you ever have as a result, be
sure to document your experiences as sell them to a tasteful adult web
site.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Hey smarty pants, you probably read everything up to here, and totally
knew what was coming in Virgo when I was ranting about the “lamb,”
didn’t you? You knew I was going for the Leo reference, didn’t you? But
did you think I would use your knowing this as the means by which to do
what you knew I was going to do in your horoscope for the week? Aha! I
may not have fooled you, but I got you distracted enough to undress you
with my eyes.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Tell me this, Scorpiowas it that lustiness was building up from horoscope
to horoscope, because you are so lusty and I was just working my way up
to what is your deserved place as the utmost of the lusty? Did I do what
I did to poor Libra in anticipation and to practice what I was going to
do to you? Can the other signs possible even ever engage in lusty
activities without there being some sort of Scorpio involved? Can you
show me how you do that thing with your hands again?

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
See Scorpio. Wrestle this back to something goofy and fun. Or just
wrestle. You will wrestle with things this week, Sagi (can I call you
Sagi?) like the self-awareness trap and how it keeps you unhappy and in
vogue instead of tacky and slap-happy. I am only making a tiny K-Mart
reference here.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns are famous the world over for their penchant to ask people to
pay attention for a change when they know good and well that people were
paying attention, they just weren’t understanding. Or at least
Capricorns think so. For example, when dealing with Sagittarius this
week, you’ll give Sag the benefit of the doubt, assume Sag is NOT too
stupid to have not gotten it by now, and must have just not been paying
attention. That’s great. But be aware you WILL be talking about the best
color of pantyhose to put in a lion, which is NOT an easy topic to
follow.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Hi there. I miss you. Capricorn misses you. But unlike myself, Capricorn
plans on doing something about it, so beware, whereas I am content to
make a sculpture of you out of mashed potatoes and to eat it very slowly
and think about Tetris, which is just weird enough to have no meaning
whatsoever.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
As the “mobius strip” sign, you have the unenviable role of being a
kind of glue-stick for the other signs. You have to pay attention to not
only your own desires this week for dry, salty snacks and loads and loads
of wet, girlish beverages, but also to what Aquarius thinks the hell she
is doing and the way Aries is dealing with this whole “I exist, I want
to eat bologna, what does that say about God, etc.” thing. But know
what? You’re capable, unlike the rest of us, of being thrown in the fire
and to come out the same as when you went inand not just because you are
naturally crispy!