Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.*

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Good news! It seems the first amendment DOES protect your right to shout
“there’s a squid in my pants” in a crowded theater, even if it causes
a life-threatening panic.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Your motto this week should be: “If it’s not in my pants, I can’t make
it dance.”

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
You are at times a puma, at times a mountain lion, at times a cougar, at
times a leopard, and still others times a sort of panther. Growl.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Being as intelligent as you normally are, you will pant with pleasure
when you can not think of the answer to the following crossword puzzle
clue: “4 across– a four letter word for the number between three and
five.”

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
See Gemini. This is a good week to become proficient at the printing
arts. Look into Pantone 3 (a kind of ocher) and eschew putting Britney’s
Spears’ face on Jenna Jamison’s body in Photoshop 4.0.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Embrace your purity this week. Embrace your unaffected regard for the
simpler things in life. Then embrace your pants by taking them off on the
bus and giving them to the driver.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your Latin studies goes well, Christine Aguilera notwithstanding. The
answer to number 4 on tomorrow’s Ovid Poetry Quiz translates as follows:
“Pants covered with barbecue sauce/ Better not show your boss/ Unless
you boss is Kate Moss.”

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
So, you’ve come to truly know the word “denuded” and hope to really
take the “pant” out of “pantomime” by playing naked charades.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are a God to men this week, and women, and some forms of cats, but
not frogs; that is, you are a kind of pantheistic misogrenouilliste.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Pantiphobia, the fear of or aversion to ghosts without the letter H, as
if Hester Prynne was not guilt of Adultery but of Heckling, and then
died, and started haunting up the place, concerns you not.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t let your struggles get to you. Persevere. Or as they say in Latin:
“It’s hard to get into tight pants, but your butt appreciates it.:

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Hi, gorgeous. I am panting at the thought of you. You know what I mean.
And if you can make a mean barbecued chicken, I’m all yours.

*I know, I’m late. I hope I didn’t mess up anyone’s mojo.