Weekly Horoscope by Jason Edwards, CAA, PHP, STD, XTC, ADD.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You are like popcorn– this week , anyway. You sit there, in the “microwave” of life, just
spinning. Then you begin to stir, then, all of a sudden, you are all over the place. Here’s
what you must deal with: the Indians brought popcorn to the first thanksgiving. Does this
legitimize your behavior? But did the Indians have microwaves?

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
This is an exciting week for you, since you are terrified of turkeys. Tomorrow will be like
your worst nightmare and revenge at the same time.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
If the signs were pies you would be pumpkin, Gemini. This week, seek out your spiritual cool
whip frosting.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You’re the only one who realizes no one will be reading this on the day it was sent out. You
are the only one who realizes that millions are missing out on necessary advice for the day
they need it most. You are the only one to whom I can’t think of anything else to say.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
The earth passed through a comet’s tail last week, making at seem if shooting stars were
coming out of your constellation. Impress relatives by doing an impression of this with mashed
potatoes.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Feelin’ a bit like the Detroit Lions this year, Virgo? No wins this year and hosting a
football game in Thanksgiving day? Well, look on the bright side– chances are you’ll score at
least ONCE on Thanksgiving.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Now, what would the Mayflower have been like if James Bond had been on it? Do you think he,
like you, attracts intrigue and evil spies bent on destroying the world? Just you stay cool,
as you usually do, when mysterious cousin Boris Hussein takes out the electric carving knife
for the turkey.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You’re about as traditional as steak tartar on Thanksgiving. Ironically, that’s what’s on
the menu for tomorrow. You will, to those around you, seem, therefore, oddly dull in
comparison.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In many ways cranberry sauce can tell your future– but only yours, Sag. Does it retain the
shape of the can it came in? Or is it all crumbly with real cranberry beats in it? Or is your
uncle using it to do his fake slit-throat trick again. This will determine your future.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You know what you have to be thankful for. But don’t, for a change. You’re not obsequious,
not by a long shot. But people are starting to talk. Put down the guitar. Give the flowers to
some homeless person. There. Now, give the best thanks you can give, by just going about
you’re #@$%^ business. Thank you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When no one shows for your big feast, it’s not that you are being “stood up” so much as it
is that you are being given the opportunity to call the food bank and spread some thanks
around to people you don’t know. Ain’t your friends the best, for giving you this gift?

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Shut up and eat.